Dear Ralph: I have a friend who constantly ruminates and rants about everyday injustices as well as global problems such as climate change, and it’s often to the detriment of his relationships and enjoyment of life. I try to listen and give him space to express himself, but he usually sounds like a broken record and he becomes more frustrated and anxious the more he talks. Any thoughts on how I might deal with this?
― Atta Loss
Dear Atta Loss: Sounds like your friend is caught in an ongoing pattern of negative thinking, and you’re fatigued by it and would like to minimize your exposure to it. You’ve also noticed that his behavior is pushing people away, and you’re worried about the overall effect that this negativity is having on him.
Usually with patterns like this, which are connected to thought patterns, people can’t see what they’re doing and it needs to be brought to their attention. This is when a caring friend like you can be helpful. But the problem is, you don’t want to say something that might compromise your relationship or create any lasting awkwardness. Right? So how do you broach the subject and go about setting some boundaries without offending your friend or jeopardizing the relationship? Well obviously, I can’t tell you how to phrase things because that needs to come from you—but I can say that there’s an art to doing this kind of thing well and a lot of it depends on getting yourself in the right frame of mind. I’ve listed some key-pointers below that I think might be helpful to you. But generally speaking, before you say anything to your friend, spend some time getting in touch with yourself and your sense of compassion. After that, when you’re ready, take a deep breath and step lightly into the issue, speaking with kindness and candor from the heart. You might also want to consider talking with him in a neutral moment when he’s is not in the middle of a heated rant and when you’re not feeling exaperated or pressured to address the elephant in the room.
You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, Atta. I hope your friendship with be “atta new place” very soon.
++RALPH
Tips for Navigating a Negative Person
- Stay positive: People who are inclined toward negativity usually don’t see themselves that way. To them, it’s the world that’s negative and they’re just pointing it out. So to counteract this mindset, try modeling some positivity for them and periodically interject comments that are upbeat and hopeful.
- Don’t feed the monster: Negative people tend to gravitate toward others who share in their outrage or offer compassion. So while you may feel an impulse to be supportive of a friend who’s in a negativity rut, doing so affirms their outlook and encourages them to look to you for future support. However, if you respond with some objective detachment and indifference, the person may take the hint and tone things down or even take their venting elsewhere.
- Redefine boundaries: As humans, we are taught to love and be there for one another, but sometimes the emotional support we offer will send the wrong message and enable some toxic behaviors. Ultimately, setting appropriate limits in regard to the tone and content of conversations that you wish to engage in is an act of self-respect that informs someone of who you are and what you will accept. What’s more, it can encourage them to evaluate themselves and maybe make some needed changes.
- Change the subject: The world is a problematic, imperfect place and just because a person is abrasive or overly cynical doesn’t mean that their observations and gripes are not valid. That said, we all have our limits, and if a person seems to be stuck in a “bad news” cycle, try shifting the subject. This will often diffuse the negativity and some individuals may even take note of the topic shift and question whether they’ve been unloading on you too much.
- Disarm with silence: Sometimes silence is the best way to get people to listen to themselves. It’s not easy to do, but the simple act of not responding to a rant or allowing for long silent pauses can speak volumes.
- Check in with yourself: The next time you find yourself drawn once again into a conversation with a chronically-negative person, stop and ask yourself why this keeps happening. Have you prioritized others over yourself or taken on a caretaker role because of a need that you have? If so, this may be something to examine more deeply.
- Protect your time: Negative people who need a listening ear will often monopolize your time and mental energy, and you can also end up worrying about them when they’re not around. If you find this happening on a regular basis, remember that it’s your job to monitor and respect your time.
- Consider their pain: It’s sad to think that a person can have so much frustration and pain inside of them that they need to share some of that with others as a way of finding relief. If you can keep this in mind the next time they air their grievances or go into a doomsday monologue, it can be easier to stay calm and keep it all in perspective.