Freaking Out Over Control Freaks?
Let's Talk About Controlling People and How to Deal with Them
―by Ralph Williams, M.Ed.
Ahhh, those curious control freaks. Hard-working and vigilant, they’re always busy making decisions, drafting flowcharts, doling out suggestions, and deliberating choices as they attempt to orchestrate every aspect of their lives and the lives of those around them. With their hands firmly on the steering wheel of life, they navigate the road ahead with the belief that things would most surely collapse into chaos if not for their skilled maneuvering and meticulous planning. At first glance, a person with control issues might appear quite friendly, intelligent, competent, and thoughtful―and they could very well be those things! But as you spend more time with them, you will discover that they live in a complex world of rules, lists, protocols, and worst case scenarios. For those who do not live in that world, the task of relating to a control freak can be quite challenging―but fear not! There are ways to navigate these trying personalities so that everyone can live and work together, peacefully and cooperatively (at least most of the time).
Most everyone knows what a control freak is―it’s become a part of our pop-psychology vernacular, at least in western cultures. This term, however, is not particularly flattering, since the word “freak” refers to someone with unsettling abnormalities (i.e., freak show). I tried to come up with a more respectful term and even considered names like control-seekers, control-focused individuals, and persons with control issues. But as you can see, I did not land on a keeper. So for now, or until someone comes up with something better, I’ll be using the term control freak (CF for short). I’d also like to acknowledge that the pursuit of control in itself is not a bad thing since we humans must exert some form of control over our lives, otherwise things will spiral pretty quickly. I think it’s also fair to say that most of us can be a little “control-freaky” at times, but that in itself doesn’t make you a CF. Clearly, there are degrees of controlling behavior, from mild and periodic to extreme and chronic. So for our purposes here, when I use the term “control freak”, I’ll be referring to someone who has gone beyond the norm and taken their control needs/demands to a noticeably higher level. I think it’s also important to acknowledge that CFs can be quite competent and committed individuals who have a lot to offer this world. Sadly, though, they get fixated on doing tasks and following procedures a certain way (namely their way and on their timeline), and they do it allllllll the time.
REAL-WORLD EXAMPLES
So now that we have the terminology and basic housekeeping out of the way, let’s dive into this and see where we end up. As a point of entry, I’ve pulled up three case examples from my treasure trove of painful life experience. These real-life cases are offered below (with fictitious names) to illustrate how the CF-personality can show up and wreak havoc in everyday situations.
Case #1―The Swedish Task-Master: I once had a friend/colleague (I will call her Annabeth) who invited me to visit her in Stockholm to help renovate her new high-rise apartment. I accepted, but I did so with some reticence because I knew Annabeth’s career and personal life had imploded in years past and I suspected that control issues were at the root of it. But I wanted to see Stockholm, and throwing caution to the wind, I naively thought, “How bad can it be?” Soooo, early one morning shortly after arriving at Annabeth’s, I ventured into the kitchen (while she was at work), and on the table I found a sheet of paper with a list of chores labeled “RALPH!” Normally, I would welcome a good To-Do list because it can be quite helpful and motivating, right? Well, not this one. I say that because there must have been 50 itemized tasks on that page, each written in the tiniest, most precise handwriting imaginable (with room measurements down to the 100thdecimal point). “Oh, good grief,” I thought. But sadly, it didn’t end there because when I turned the page over, I discovered that the entire backside was filled with another litany of tasks, top to bottom and again in this teensy-tiny print. “Oh nooooooooo,” I thought. “What have I gotten myself in to?” I’ll spare you the horror of what transpired in the coming days, but to sum it up, I made quick work on that scary, ridiculous list and then fled Stockholm to escape the wrath of Annabeth’s neurosis.
CASE #2―Colonel Without a Cause: Years ago, I worked in a community theater with a fellow volunteer named Ryan who was a retired US Army colonel suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Ryan loved the theater, and he had a very inventive mind when it came to engineering special effects for the stage. But along with that talent, Ryan needed to have everything in its place, lined up and “just so”. What’s more, he had a compulsive need to dole out instructions and to correct/reprimand his fellow volunteers, as if he was still in charge of enlisted men. So of course, Ryan would reprimand me for not doing certain things a certain way. “No Ralph, you’re not doing it right! No, do not put that paintbrush on hook #2, it goes on hook #3 because someone might need to grab it quickly!” “What? We’re not in combat, Ryan, this isn’t the Army,” I would say while begrudgingly moving the brush two inches to hook #3. Now to be fair, I knew that Ryan’s PTSD was contributing to his control issues, and I also could see that this was a man who had given orders his whole life and needed to keep giving them in order to feel alive and relevant. It was a wee bit sad, but at the same time, it was totally unnerving, unnecessary, and unrelenting.
Case #3: The Textinator in Texas: I was once contracted to do some artistic painting on an interior space for an Austin decorator named Deidre. It was a quirky project and I was happy to have the work, but soon after I arrived at the site, Deidre started sending me dissertation-length texts, one after the other, on how to execute a certain painting technique. Mind you, she had no experience in actually doing this technique, but she still felt compelled to give me step-by-step instructions, using phrases like, “make sure you do this” and “don’t forget to do that” and “be sure to reload your brush this way”. OMFG! The fact is, I’d been doing this kind of work for years, and no one had ever behaved this way with me before. It was like she was using her words to reach out and place a white-knuckle grip around my paintbrush. Of course, my initial thought in regard to her text-series was, “Okay, then you do it!” I didn’t say that of course, but I did have to cut her off at a certain point just to concentrate. Thankfully, the property owner who hired Deidre chose to relieve her of her duties temporarily just to make sure I had enough breathing room to get the job done. Poor gal, she was capable and conscientious, but she just couldn’t turn it off.
HOW THEY TICK
Control freaks are notorious micromanagers with a penchant for making lists―grocery lists, to-do lists, lists of lists complete with footnotes and a bibliography. But the irony is, these conscientious Type-A folks often get so preoccupied with organizing the details that they lose track of the original goal. CFs have rules for everything, too―from the correct way to load a dishwasher to the appropriate angle to park a car. They can also be sticklers for quality standards, which isn’t a bad thing per se, but work tends to pile up on their desks and deadlines often get missed as the CF struggles with due diligence to accomplish things perfectly. Likewise, these work standards are often achieved at the sacrifice of leisure activities and time with friends. And even though some of that workload could be delegated to others, CFs are usually reluctant to do so because of the risk that their high standards might not be met. So they’ll just keep plugging away, nose to the grindstone, as thing fall farther and farther behind. CFs are usually quite frugal and miserly, too, believing that money should be tucked away for future emergencies. They can be hoarders as well, unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when the items have no real or sentimental value.
Obviously, with all the details to look after, work to complete, and problems to spot and solve, this approach to life can be exhausting. Yet this is the world that the CF lives in. There are many reasons why a person can end up this way, but in the spirit of the control freak and their love of lists, I now offer the list below as a summary of the underlying issues that are common to CFs.
UNDERLYING ISSUES
- Fear of the Unknown: CFs fear what they can’t see or predict and will hold tight to the reins of control so that they can swerve around any potential threats.
- Perfectionism: CFs demand perfection from themselves and others, and this invariably leads to frustration when things don’t align with their high standards.
- Anxiety + Insecurity: Because CFs are constantly struggling with anxiety, they see and use control as an essential tool and a wall of defense against an impending sense of doom.
- Elements of Narcissism: Although CFs aren’t necessarily narcissists in the clinical sense, they will often appear self-involved, always having to have things THEIR way.
Hopefully, you now have a good sense of what these folks are like and what they’re struggling with. Perhaps there is a partner, friend, or family member in your life who matches this description? If so, this person may frequently come across as self-centered, condescending, and demanding. Frustrating as this can be, keep in mind that most CFs are not aware of how others experience them, and they should not be confused with someone who is controlling to the point of being abusive. If you are in a situation like this (with an abusive person), please know that there are counseling and social services available in most communities and please seek out those services for your safety and sanity.
OCPD - When the Need for Order Becomes a Disorder
As mentioned earlier, there are degrees of severity when it comes to control issues, and up to this point, I’ve been using the term “control freak” fairly loosely, less diagnostically. There is, however, a clinical disorder known as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder which, as described in the Diagnostic & Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), specifies many of the controlling behaviors that we’ve been discussing. However, for a person to meet the criteria for OCPD, the controlling behavior must be chronic and pervasive and at least four of the following symptoms must be present:
- Fixation on rules, details, and organization
- Difficulty completing tasks efficiently because of a focus on doing them perfectly
- Setting friendships and enjoyable activities aside in favor of work when it is not necessary
- Having a strict and overly-conscientious regard for morality or ethical values
- Hoarding tendencies and an inability to dispose of broken or useless objects
- Difficulty in delegating work for fear it will be done improperly
- Overly frugal (miserly) due to a belief that money should be saved for emergencies
- Presenting as rigid and stubborn
OCPD, along with the other personality disorders in the DSM-5, refers to someone with long-standing thought and behavior patterns that cause distress and difficulty in life. Admittedly, the term OCPD is a bit confusing because it sounds a lot like OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) and most of us understand OCD as a condition that compels someone to repeat phrases or go through rituals to quell their anxiety (i.e., hand washing, burner checking, ritualistic counting). Indeed, it’s easy to conflate the two conditions and although there is some overlap between them, OCPD and OCD have different presentations.
While both conditions involve a struggle with control, people with OCD tend to resent their intrusive thoughts and will engage in compulsive behaviors in an attempt to get rid of them. By contrast, people with OCPD tend to be preoccupied with productivity, rules, and perfection, and they are not usually bothered by their fixations because they view them as consistant with their identity. As such, a person with OCPD will attempt to maintain control so that they can see and present themselves as the ideal person that they want to be. To pare this down then, people with OCD are plagued by unwanted fears and they know their compulsions are irrational, but they can’t stop doing it. People with OCPD, conversely, do not usually regard their controlling behavior as out of control. They view it as normal and even admirable.
In summary then, people with OCPD tend to have a strong need for rules and regulations. They are perfectionists who set impossibly high standards for themselves and others, and this pursuit of quality and order can strain relationships, hinder growth, and create a pervasive sense of dissatisfaction. OCPD is one of the most prevalent personality disorders in western nations, and there are gender differences as well. Some will say that women are by far more controlling while others will say just the opposite. My personal hunch is, male CFs will more often try to control a romantic partner or exhibit a raging ego at work, whereas women will lean more toward “multi-tasking mania” and obsessions with worst-case scenarios. That said, according to current data, males are diagnosed with OCPD about twice as much as females. What’s more, individuals with OCD, phobias, or anxiety disorders like social anxiety are at increased odds for meeting the criteria for OCPD. Finally and not surprisingly, many of the features that we commonly associate with the Type-A personality overlap with the characteristics of OCPD.
Now that we’ve explored the inner-workings and outer behaviors of a person with control needs―with the understanding that OCPD is the diagnosed and more pervasive form―let’s now explore ways to effectively navigate these masters of micromanagement.
WHEN IT’S A CO-WORKER OR BOSS: Nobody wants a tense work environment, and it’s only natural to be polite and to try to keep the peace at work. But by the same token, you shouldn’t have to sit on pins and needles every day because of a controlling boss or office-mate. Ultimately, the goal in these situations is to stand up for your needs and rights, but do it in a way that is non-threatening. For instance, rather that using a firm “no” with a CF (whch can escalate things and bring out their fighting side), try using softer and more nuanced language. Try saying something like, “What I am going to do is…” or “You know, another way of doing this is…”. Likewise, if a controlling co-worker tries to dominate a conversation or take over a project inappropritely, it is usually best to calmly point out the behavior and how it makes you feel in the moment it’s happening. For example, you might say something like, “Right now, you sound like you’re telling me how I should run the meeting tomorrow. Why, do you not trust me to do a good job?”
Ultimately, too, some things just aren’t worth bickering over, and you may on occasion decide that it’s easier to allow your controlling co-worker to do things their way. Of course, allowing them to have total control isn’t a good idea, either, so pick your battles! On the flip side, if you’re a manager who’s overseeing a CF, you might look for tasks/projects you can give them to utilize their work ethic and their eye for details and quality. Then, once they’ve complete the work, make sure to thank them for their diligence and excellent work
WHEN IT’S A LOVED ONE: When dealing with loved ones with control issues, you’ll need to pick your battles as well. Some things are worth holding your ground on, and some are not―the key is to know your limits and be clear about them. That said, when you’re working on a personal project, doing mundane tasks, or formulating plans for work, there’s usually no need to ask your partner for their opinion. Why invite unwanted opinions? You could also just give them the highpoints about what you’re planning when it’s called for. Again, you don’t want to give them an open invitation for critiquing your choices. Finally, if you spend a lot of time with a person with control issues, you might think about paring that time down somewhat to make things a little less stressful. As with so many things in life, less can be more!
10 Tips for Navigating a Controlling Person
1 – Open Communication: When CFs will feel unheard or invalidated, their need for control gets activated. So to quell this response, try giving them your undivided attention. And even if the CF is your boss, make and effort to create an environment that is safe and conducive to honest and open diaglogue.
2 – Set Boundaries: It’s important to let people know that while you understand their concerns and appreciate their attention to detail, you have your own needs and your own way of doing things. Again, add a dash of humor whenever possible (a little chuckle always helps). By approaching them this way, you actually set the stage for a more harmonious and genuine relationship.
3 – Avoid Criticism: Be collaborative rather than confrontational. Suggest compromises or alternatives that address their concerns while also respecting your boundaries. Sometimes, too, it can help to name the elephant in the room and call out their behavior in a respectful way. But remember, no name calling! If it’s due to a psychological disorder, telling the person that they’re acting like a jerk isn’t going to fix the problem.
4 – Deploy Compassion: Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their underlying fears and insecurities. What’s driving their need for control? By empathizing with their struggles, you can create a sense of connection and foster a more open and honest relationship. Sometimes, a sprinkle of empathy can soften even the most rigid hearts.
5 – Pick Your Battles: Remember, not every situation requires a power struggle, so choose your battles wisely. If the issue at hand isn’t of monumental importance, consider letting them have things their way. Sometimes, relinquishing control on minor matters can diffuse the tension and create a more peaceful environment. Think compromise and seek a middle ground where both parties can feel a sense of control.
6 – Encourage Flexibility: Gently encourage them to embrace flexibility and adaptability. Help them see that life’s uncertainties are inevitable and can lead to valuable lessons and personal growth. Encourage them to loosen their grip on life and explore new experiences that are out of their comfort zone.
7 – Stay Calm: In the face of their intensity or disapproval, try to speak calmly and confidently and convey your thoughts without aggression.
8 – Stand Strong: Dealing with CFs doesn’t mean surrendering your autonomy. The act of standing your ground while respecting the other person’s perspective, if done properly, can diffuse a situation and pave the way to a more harmonious and cooperative relationship.
9 – Shift your perspective: Try embracing their quirkiness. While CFs might have a wooden or mechanical demeanor, underneath it all lies a sensitive human with a human heart. Approach things with a little empathy and humanity and you might find that their control needs are not such a big deal.
10 – Self-Care: Dealing with CFs can be taxing and emotionally draining, so don’t forget to be kind to yourself and seek support when needed. Sometimes it helps to check in with a friend or family member just to vent or double-check your point of view.
Finally, if you have been diagnosed with OCPD or suspect that you have CF tendencies, you are already ahead of the game because most CFs are not aware that they have a problem (even though everyone around them is fully aware). Indeed, being aware that there’s an issue is the first step! The next step is try to consciously embrace your imperfection, fragility, and humanness. Embracing imperfection doesn’t mean you have to accept mediocity. Certainly not, the pursuit of excellence is a good thing! But we also have to keep in mind that perfection is an unattainable ideal and that life is full of imperfections. Learn to laugh at chaos when it arises and celebrate the quirks that make us all human. We all have flaws and cracks―why not own them and and share them with others and draw strength from your vulnerabilities? Similarly, try to cultivate flexibility in your thoughts and actions, embracing change as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat to your plans and routines. Remember, adaptability is the hallmark of resilience
You might also consider engaging in mindfulness practices like meditation and yoga to cultivate an awareness of your thoughts and emotions. These types of practices can help you break free from the shackles of overthinking and control, allowing you to appreciate the present moment. Also, make an extra effort to nurture the meaningful relationships in your life. Whether its with friends, family, or colleagues, allow yourself to connect with others on a deeper level, understanding that vulnerability and imperfection are an essential part of genuine human connection. Communication is key, too. Share your thoughts and fears and listen earnestly to the experiences of others. Through conversation, you can gain new perspectives and insights, enriching your understanding of control. Remember too, there’s no shame in seeking professional help when needed. Therapists and counselors can provide valuable insights and coping strategies tailored to your specific challenges. Through therapy, you can unravel the layers of control and work towards a healthier mindset. Lastly, try to go a little easier on yourself and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Laughter, friends, beauty, nature―take the time to take it all in. That’s a good message for all of us, actually. So on that note and in closing, why don’t we all take a deep healing breath with a nice long exhale, and then take a moment to contemplate the adapted version of the Serenity Prayer below. It’s for everyone―for the control freak in all of us!
Oh, Great Mystery of the Universe,
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things beyond my control,
The courage to skillfully handle the things that are mine to do,
And the wisdom to know the difference.