Dear Ralph: I’m in a quandary. I’m a 40-year-old man, and I’ve been rooming with my friend Barb for the last two months as I wait for the final work on my new home to be completed. Sadly, things have gone downhill fast between us. Today, as I was preparing to return to the apartment after spending the weekend with my partner, I received a text from Barb saying, “I know you’re planning to return at 4, but can’t you at least come back at 6:00? I have someone coming over!” I said, “Okay, I will wait.” Then she answered, “Please, don’t make me feel guilty. I’m never able to be alone here.” I responded, “Barb, it’s fine, there’s nothing wrong.” She then said that she was shocked by my answers and accused me of angling for a fight. What??? Honestly, it was no big deal, I was fine with delaying my return for two hours. I do admit, however, that her initial text seemed to have an agitated tone to it, and it immediately put me on edge. I would have much preferred a friendlier phrasing, like: “I’m sorry to be asking this, but would you mind returning at 6:00 instead?
I know that Barb is frustrated by the fact that she can’t entertain people freely while I’m there. But I’m paying her for the room, and she understood my situation and agreed that I could stay there for 3 months. Perhaps if this was an isolated incident I could let it go more easily, but unfortunately, this has become a recurrent pattern with Barb. She has an authoritative manner, and she wants people to treat her with respect, but she doesn’t really know how to return the courtesy and respect the boundaries of others. I know I still have learning to do when it comes to communication and boundaries, but I am reluctant to talk with Barb about our latest exchange because I know she’ll get angry and defensive and it will most likely lead to an argument.
So I just spent the whole day stewing about this, and just when I started to calm down, she texted me again, blaming me for things that I didn’t do and describing behaviors that are actually her own. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Ralph. I need to protect myself from unstable people. Any thoughts on how I should handle this?
― Hazed & Confused
Dear Hazed: This is a whopper of a question. So before I begin, let me just say that there is no way that I can give you a well-informed response without sitting down with you for a period of time and asking you a variety of questions. And to be fair, I would also need to do sit down with Barb, and maybe meet with the two of you together to discuss the situation. So with that in mind, let me now ask you this―has Barb had roommates in the past? I’m asking because whenever you share a space with someone, a certain amount of consideration and compromise is expected and must be given to that arrangement in order for it to work. So if I’m hearing you correctly, you’ve been making an earnest effort to be respectful and considerate of her needs, and you’ve been paying the rent that you agreed upon, right? If that’s the case, then you certainly have the right to come and go as a free adult.
Okay, I’m just speculating here (and again, I know I don’t have all the facts), but it sounds like Barb may be fixating on certain inconveniances and she’s blaming you for her discomfort. Even the phrase, “Can’t you at least return at 6:00?” has a certain resentful tone to it and implies that you’re making things difficult and not putting out much of an effort. It’s hard to say, but I’m guessing that Barb has built a story around you in her mind, and she may even talk with her friends about you in an unflattering manner as a way of confirming her views. Is Barb a person who needs to be in charge, have things in place, and feel in control? If so, do you think it would be helpful to sit down with her and come up with a schedule that sets aside a few blocks of time during the week when she can plan on having the apartment to herself? That would certainly be a practical solution to the issue you described. It would also demonstrate that you’re making an effort, and if nothing else, it might help you get through the next month! To be honest, though, it sounds like there’s a lot more at play in this situation than merely carving out some private time.
Yeah, I have a hunch there’s some gaslighting and projection going on here, and I suspect it’s been going on for some time. So if you truly want to put this relationship and your current housing situation back on solid ground, I think you two are going to have to talk about all of this openly. But keep in mind, this kind of repair work can be difficult to do, especially when you’re dealing with someone who cannot see or is unwilling to acknowledge their own behavioral patterns and is geared toward blaming others. So the main question at hand is: what would you like to do about this? It sounds like Barb could probably benefit from a good heart-to-heart conversation with a friend who can talk calmly and candidly about certain challenging sides of her personality. Is that person you? If the answer is no, then are you willing to wait out the situation until your move-in date, perhaps allocating some private time for Barb or spending extra time outside the apartment to avoid a confrontation with her? Both options are viable, but your decision depends on your frame of mind and what you feel is right for you. Or, here’s one more option: what would you think about getting an Airbnb for the last month? Peace and quiet can cost money, but sometimes it’s worth it!
Thanks so much for your question, “Hazed”, and please send me an email in a week or two to update me on things. I’m really curious how your situation ends up!
++RALPH